Saturday, April 05, 2008

Messy Diapers

So it’s been a few weeks since I posted anything and sitting here at 5:44PM on a Saturday evening I thought… maybe I will make an entry. I hate the fact that I can get into such a funk that I don’t want to do anything… I mean… don’t get me wrong, I still go to work and do the necessary things life requires but anything outside of that… well let’s just say I am more comfortable sitting in my mess having a one man pity party than I am in socializing and getting on with life. I guess when I am worried about something, under pressure, or depressed I have a tendency to isolate. Probably not a good thing… yeah… definitely not a good thing. But every good thing… no wait... every bad thing, must come to an end. So… that brings me to today. I’ve noticed that I have developed over the years an attitude of “Oh well” when it comes to the wreckage I have created in my life. Now I am referring to wreckage that only effects me… not the wreckage I have heaped on others. When it comes to them I am truly sorry and would do anything to right the wrongs I have done to them. What I am referring to, is things like my credit… taxes… (I owe about $25,000 to the IRS), pretty much anything that was good at one point I wrecked. Now it wasn’t always like that… at one time I did have good credit… and I was in good standing with the IRS. I remember when I was married (another lifetime ago) I took extreme care with my credit, but when my marriage fell apart I pretty much had an “I could care less attitude.” I was young and very irresponsible (which is no excuse). At any rate, I really wanted my ex-wife back and didn’t want the divorce and somehow reasoned in my mind that if she thought I wasn’t a loser, but could give her a good life she would come back. I went out and bought a car I couldn’t afford, clothes, and spent money like I was made of it. I realized after a while she didn’t marry me for my money… or lack of it and it certainly wasn’t going to bring her back. In fact, there was no money… so if she had come back for that reason, she would have soon left when she realized I was not only irresponsible but a liar… truly a “loser”. The end result was a broken marriage… broken heart… broken credit. I came home worse off than when I left three years earlier when I went into the Army. I also came home with a “F#@% it” attitude. It seemed that any time anyone gave me a little credit my intentions were good but somehow I wrecked it. Over time my income increased, my “responsibilities” increased, my “needs” increased. Seemed like I didn’t have enough money to take care of all these “necessities”. My answer… increase my take home pay and pay the IRS on the back end… once again… intentions were good… results were disastrous. Now, the IRS is coming after me… HARD… and once again I find myself getting close to saying “F#@& it!” But, I won’t. I spoke to a very dear friend of mine the other day and after him listening to me whine for a week and half about “Why me?” Why has my life been one big messy diaper?” My buddy pretty much told me that it wasn’t God’s fault because I crapped the pants of my adult life, and even though I had a rotten childhood it is no excuse for the wreck of an adult life I’ve created. He told me I needed to embrace the very Christianity that gave me peace and clarity a few years ago and start acting like a person who has been “born again”. WOW… I needed that. I am paraphrasing a lot of what was said… but this was the general idea. So… having said that… that is exactly what I am going to do. Things will be tough but I will overcome. I will write more soon… meanwhile here's another video for your viewing pleasure...

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